Gretchen Jones - Ahh

Typically I am known for my love of over-the-top, ornate, regal, and borderline ghetto fabulous style. Which is why this may come as a shock to you all when I reveal that I am kind of a hippie at heart. I blame my father who was pictured during that era sporting not only a waist length ponytail, but also a macrame belt, exaggerated bell bottoms and a 70's porn star mustache. Anyways, enough with the disturbing mental images (shake it off Shelly, shake it off), I am proud to be able to claim my inner flower child.

That is why Gretchen's new collection is perfect, it's the best of both worlds. It's bohemian enough to be able to wear with vintage Frye's (while still fitting in with the Portland/Williamsburg hipster crowd, they spot a phony a mile away), but ostentatious enough to be able to throw on a pair of wooden Prada wedges and fit in with the who's who poolside at the Standard (LA poshness for all you East Coasters). The color decisions for this collection are somewhat muted, sure, but because of the fabric choices and construction, it still manages to portray opulence. It's the understated richness implied that makes this collection so compelling. The pieces are a foolproof canvas for your imagination to run wild with; it's all in the styling, so hold your tongue before you call her creations boring. Gretchen has them styled with a free-spirited vibe (which fits her own distinctive style like a new calfskin glove), but personally, I would glam the hell out of them with nude peep toe YSL pumps, massive gold bangles half way to the elbow and oversized Balenciaga shades (like this comes as a surprise).

While many criticized Gretchen for her "confident and damn proud" mentality, during her stint on the overly dramatized Project Runway, that type of attitude is exactly what it takes in order to succeed in this cutthroat business that we know and love as the Fashion Industry. Do you remember that other chick from Portland who won? Exactly, because she is as meek as a damn mouse and NO ONE CARES. Gretchen not only has the aesthetic required and the eye for functional color combination's (all without taking a Color Theory Class? See FIDM I did not need to suffer through an entire quarter of color wheels), but also the "I'll stomp a bitch" disposition that will survive amongst the most malevolent of critics. Call me biased (she is a friend of mine, hey girl heeey), but all the daggers thrown in her direction and the "Get Gretchen Jones off Project Runway" Facebook page (seriously, get a damn life, a job, a hobby, something!), is an undeniable sign of haters being haters, and the minute people stop hating is the same minute you should hang up your hat and move on.

The 5 Most Dreadfully Dressed Dames of 2010- Eww

In true Eww's n Ahh's fashion, I felt the undying obligation to air out the (hands down) most poorly dressed female celebrities of 2010. This has truly been the year of the strange; freak flags have been in full sail (I single handily blame Lady Gaga A.K.A. the most profound branding creation since the Paris Hilton era). Maybe it's because we are about to enter into a new decade (god help us if this type of "fashion" is the future) and there is some sort of retrograde screwing with our decision making abilities, or, the economy has ungratefully forced stylists to be categorized as an unnecessary expense. Regardless of what I may come up with as an excuse for these shameless millionaires, that fact still remains, they dress like SHIT.

5.

Keri Hilson

I've said it once, and I'll say it again, this chick has a serious multiple personality disorder. I don't even think she knows what decade she's in, let alone what is in style.

"Hi I'm Katruska, and I moonlight as a high class call girl who frequents the Swiss Alps"

 Hey Keri.... that whole "80's" thing went out... A WHILE ago.

From the waist up she's in her Sunday's Best. From the waist down, she's the scandalous chick at church who distracts all the teenage boys. 

4.

Ciara 

Oh Ciara, with a killer body like that, it is a damn shame that you can't clothe it properly. 

 Not a single piece of clothing in this outfit fit's correctly, it's just a big sloppy mess.

 Umm... She was Givenchy's Muse this year, but this screams Cher via 1978, not Haute Couture.

And then you have Dominatrix Ci-Ci. Is that a whip I see hiding in that fur?

This is her "I don't care today" ensemble, and honey it shows.  

3. 

Katy Perry

Every time I see Katy, my mind always goes to her Proactive commercial, NOT a good look. 

 

 Do you remember those tri-flavor sherbet cups you used to eat when you were a kid? She must have fond memories of those...

 Gross. If you have to pull your skirt down as you walk, IT'S TOO DAMN SHORT. And what the hell, this is at Coachella, she probably sent the acid poppers into a bad trip with all that shoulder armor.

Sigh. Why do some people think that all runway attire translates to ready-to-wear? Jeremy Scott (the designer) puts on overly theatrical shows, because they are SHOWS. 

2.

Nicki Minaj

I know what you're thinking, "that's just Nicki, she's weird like that." Well some might consider me weird, and I don't wear that crap. 

 How long did it take her to put on all those layers? Long enough for her to reconsider that's for damn sure.

 Those L.A.M.B. boots are actually really cute, but how the hell would you know that when the rest of her get up looks like it was washed in Pepto-Bismol. This outfit gives me, "heartburn, nausea, indigestion..."

I'm at a loss for words, I'll let my silence speak for itself. 

1.

Ke$ha

Congratulations Ke$ha! You've topped the 2010 Eww's n Ahh's worst dressed list. I believe that you owe this honor to your wardrobe inspirations: Courtney Love, Marilyn Manson, Steven Tyler, and all the homeless hookers of the world!

 She wants to be Lady Gaga so bad, it's kind of disheartening.

 She just looks greasy, take a shower before you hit the red carpet bi-atch.

Normal people start their day with coffee, Ke$ha starts her's with hallucinogenics.

Dockers - A.K.A. The Working Man's Uniform - Eww

This topic of choice was brought to my attention thanks to my overly observant significant other, who pointed out to me the god awful rear view that such trousers tend to reveal...

While the two of us were cocktailing (Yes cocktailing, I wish spell check would chill out with this misspelled BS) at a popular after work watering hole, my slightly inebriated romantic companion brought to my attention a poor gentleman standing at the bar who was readjusting his, ahem, britches. If I recall correctly, the conversation went something like, "Oh my god Shelly, look at this dude right here in the Dockers, that is NOT the business!," "Oh my god I don't want to look," "Just look, JUST LOOK, hahahahhaha," "Oh shit, WOW, wtf, why?" Three cosmo's later (Stereotypical right? They were on special for $5, don't judge me...), and here I am.

Dear wannabe wall "streeters" (Damnit spellcheck, get over yourself), the reason you're at the bar looking as desperate as a homeless labrador is not because of your slightly introverted personality or your prematurely bulging bank account, it's your Dockers homie.... Sorry. Side note: he didn't bear a wedding ring, just saying... Would a flat front chino absolutely kill you? Adding an extra poof around your midsection doesn't mask a growing beer belly, nor does a professional ensemble require that pleating be an added accessory. For those who don't care to bother themselves with fashion, it is still possible to look polished on Casual Friday's without looking as though you intended to be polished. Unintentional sharpness is by far the best kind.

I wish I could have obtained the actual visual that I had the pleasure of seeing, but that may have caused an awkward, not to mention, borderline creepy scene ("Excuse me sir, may I take a quick snapshot of you from the waist down?").  I do, however, have a few alternatives for you to take into consideration (Mind you these are just chino's I'm referring to, dress pants are a completely separate post; baby steps okay? Baby steps). Fun fact: the Dockers brand was created by Levi Strauss and Co. and has had annual sales of roughly $1 billion, which further supports my evidence that far too many men buy these. Being that Dockers retail for $50-65 , I have listed (what I consider) acceptable chino's that fall within that same price range. A.K.A. No excuses.

 

Dockers merchandisers clearly thought that having this man hold sunglasses would enhance the "cool" factor here... Yeah... NO.

 

 Obey, $68. Urbanoutfitters.com

 Banana Republic, $40. Bananarepublic.com

 A slightly slimmer version for those of you who already have this "chino thing" mastered. Topman, $60. Topman.com

Disguise "That Old Thing" - Ahh

As boring as it sounds, I must admit, I did the all black thing last New Year's Eve. I stick to the illusion that I was uninspired by the lack of options in my surrounding areas (cough cough, Portland, Oregon, cough cough), but nevertheless, there is no excuse to the case of the "same-sies."

However, I, like most I assume, don't want to drop an entire paycheck on an outfit for one evening (especially those extra special jobless individuals... Bombshell's have budgets too). Not to mention, that there is a high probability of accidental Grey Goose splatters ending up on the bosom of my too-expensive-for-one-damn-night silk smock.

So to get to the purpose of this post (don't act like you're not annoyed by my run-on rants, I annoy myself quite often)... you know that one simple but spectacular dress you have in the back of the closet that you can't bear to get rid of? Every chick has one; it's the dress that makes you feel like your head was plastered on Marilyn Monroe's body, so naturally, the jaws of life couldn't force you to part from it. But the poor thing has been sitting in the dredges of your closet with no special occasion in sight to re-wear it to. Let's be honest, in the era of social networking, if you post a picture on Facebook wearing a smashing hot dress, it undoubtedly becomes difficult to wear it again because it is "that one dress, that you wore to that one party, that that one person tagged you in the pictures of?" Don't even try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about, it's inevitable, Facebook has turned women into even more prodigious diva's than ever before (in my case, prodigious-bombshell).

So why not keep your wallet from wheezing, dry clean that sizzling dress, and disguise it with these uber-cool body jewelry pieces. All four pictured are $30 or less, and have to ability to add a new exiting element to "that one dress". So instead of your clothing being recognized as the dreaded "Facebook dress," people will see Monroe, and that bad ass body jewelry.

This would be perfect for a strapless, well structured dress. ASOS.com, $19.

Add this to the shoulder of that basic one-shoulder dress (that everyone bought last year), for some new pizazz. Asos.com, $25

 

This is by far my favorite, how hot would this be over a curve-hugging, long sleeved turtleneck dress? Hair pulled back, chunky bangles, fire! Asos.com, $24

  

Use that same one shoulder dress, as mentioned above, and place this on the shoulder that is not covered, Rihanna who? Urbanoutfitters.com, $15

Halloween Costumes - Boo and Eww

In spirit of the approaching holiday (although I don't consider anything a holiday that doesn't equate to time away from work), I have chosen to digest the trickery we all know (and love?) called Halloween.

I'm beginning to think that adults should not be allowed to participate in Halloween; once you are over the age of 18 (hell, 13 for that matter), your holiday "privileges" should be revoked. This wouldn't be such a problem if Halloween wasn't as abused as it has now become. As if American adults really need another excuse to dress scantily and drink excessively. Alright Presidents day! Let's wear red, white, and blue and drink whiskey! Alright Cinco de Mayo! Let's wear red, white, and green and get smashed on tequila! Sidebar: how many American's even really know the meaning behind Cinco de Mayo? It's not even celebrated in 99% of Mexico for god's sake!

After that mini-tangent I almost forgot what I was writing about, but Alas! Back to Halloween... Just a few years ago when I was young (okay more than a few, but you're as young as you feel right?), Halloween was about dressing up in fairytale attire, collecting as much high fructose corn syrup induced treats as possible, and bobbing for apples in your friends garage. Can we say genius marketing creation anyone? Halloween is a billion dollar industry in itself. Seriously, Wikipedia Halloween (yes Wikipedia is now a verb, it's 2010 people), it will blow your mind. After reading how this ghoulish holiday came into existence, it will make even less sense as to why grown adults wear inflatable penis costumes and lucite hooker heels. Don't know what I'm talking about? Spend October 31st on Santa Monica Blvd. in Los Angeles...shudder. Why do these people wait for Halloween? If you secretly wait all year for the ability to wear pleather and spandex for just one night, what's stopping you the other 364 days? Fuck it, LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY.

However, if you absolutely must dress in such garb, an open bar is an open bar, no need to waste perfectly good shoe money on an outfit you will wear once. Throw on a pair of fake eyelashes, go crazy on the liquid eyeliner (a good cat eye is always an 'ahh'), dress in all black and buy a furry eared headband. Congratulations, you're a cat, done.

But of course, for your viewing pleasure, the most offensive costumes that the web has to offer.

 Choke the Chicken? Wtf...

 This little dandy is called "Texas Hold 'Em" get it...?

 Need I say more? Who spends money on this crap!

This is so wrong in so many ways - Laura Craft "womb" raider, are you kidding me?

and if you wonder why you are single...

The Urban Turban - Ahh?

The jury is definitely out on this one. My small town upbringing makes me feel as though I should be completely appalled by this newly sprouting trend, but my inner diva is kind of loving it. It may be because I am beyond done with the exhausted "trends"  in headgear (such as the fedora or the newsboy), so I am ready to welcome any oddity with open arms, or I am just an artsy oddball myself (insert peanut gallery comments here).

This is most definitely not a look that the masses can pull off; even though H&M has probably already gone into pre-production for their Spring 2011 collection. Call me old school but something about accessorizing with a turban just doesn't quite fit in to my morning routine: stilettos, check, massive hoop earrings, definite check, turban.... check?  I'm just waiting for the day that these are in a Forever 21 sale bin with a $3.99 price tag, available in various fabrics and maybe even sequins (ooooh sequined turban, I can't lie, the thought of this is enchanting).

After that thought it's official, my appreciation for artistic fashion makes this is an "Ahh". If you disagree you can blame Prada for bringing this back on the catwalk in 2007; see how long runway-to-retail takes? But for the love of god only on runways and on the craniums of seasoned fashion vets. So no Dad, before you think that wrapping an old brewery tee-shirt around your head is considered fashionable, I beg of you to think again.

These pictures are proof that this trend could go both ways:

 Yes, this outfit is dope

 Get it girl, Solange definitely won the turban battle against her sister

How cute is she? The urban turban works well when the outfit is casual 

 Come on Bey, from one big-headed girl to another, this trend is NOT for us

And Selma, ummm NO, just no

Fit Flops - Eww

I hate comebacks (I believe they should be reserved for people like David Hasselhoff and Britney Spears), but regardless of what category you put me in, I'm back. I've truly missed my weekly rants and raves, and although at this point I'm sure that you have all buried my weekly delights in some distant memory (fond, however distance), I still have a rather opinionated voice that is dying to be heard. So whether you like it or not, the bitch is back.

To kick off this "reunited-and-it-feels-so-good" party, I have some excellent news to share with you all: I am now operating out of New York City (how's that for an upgrade?). I must say, in my short time of residence on this oh so cozy island of Manhattan, I have encountered some of the best (hot, fire, ferociously fierce) dressed men and women in existence. However, for every self proclaimed fashion icon there lies a handful of unfortunate looking folks, who either have no idea that it is 2010, or who just don't give a shit.

That being said, I bring you a new phenomenon: Fit Flops. They are flip flops, that allegedly help to increase muscle activity in the legs and the booty... while you walk...  isn't this comparable to that ab belt that retracts your muscles while slimming your beer belly? I'm really struggling with the point of these things, is it really that necessary to tone your legs while meandering 2 or 3 blocks to your local Starbucks to get your skim latte with light foam?  My issue with these sandals is not solely off looks alone; although they resemble your basic soccer mom flip flops, I have seen worse (i.e. Croc's, hello?!). It's not like these 'flops' are non discrete, it is beyond obvious what type of sandal you are wearing; it says Fit Flop right on the top of the strap for Christ's sake.

So the question I have is, are these women intentionally wearing these in order to show the world that they are active, in-shape females? You know the kind of chick I am talking about, it is the same girl who asks the deli clerk (in front of a line of people) to hold the mayo and to only include one side of the ciabatta on her panini. Seriously ladies, get over yourself.  I'm sick of being let into your delusional mind without even asking for admission. Go buy yourself a hot pair of gladiators and take your ass to the gym.