Gretchen Jones - Ahh

Typically I am known for my love of over-the-top, ornate, regal, and borderline ghetto fabulous style. Which is why this may come as a shock to you all when I reveal that I am kind of a hippie at heart. I blame my father who was pictured during that era sporting not only a waist length ponytail, but also a macrame belt, exaggerated bell bottoms and a 70's porn star mustache. Anyways, enough with the disturbing mental images (shake it off Shelly, shake it off), I am proud to be able to claim my inner flower child.

That is why Gretchen's new collection is perfect, it's the best of both worlds. It's bohemian enough to be able to wear with vintage Frye's (while still fitting in with the Portland/Williamsburg hipster crowd, they spot a phony a mile away), but ostentatious enough to be able to throw on a pair of wooden Prada wedges and fit in with the who's who poolside at the Standard (LA poshness for all you East Coasters). The color decisions for this collection are somewhat muted, sure, but because of the fabric choices and construction, it still manages to portray opulence. It's the understated richness implied that makes this collection so compelling. The pieces are a foolproof canvas for your imagination to run wild with; it's all in the styling, so hold your tongue before you call her creations boring. Gretchen has them styled with a free-spirited vibe (which fits her own distinctive style like a new calfskin glove), but personally, I would glam the hell out of them with nude peep toe YSL pumps, massive gold bangles half way to the elbow and oversized Balenciaga shades (like this comes as a surprise).

While many criticized Gretchen for her "confident and damn proud" mentality, during her stint on the overly dramatized Project Runway, that type of attitude is exactly what it takes in order to succeed in this cutthroat business that we know and love as the Fashion Industry. Do you remember that other chick from Portland who won? Exactly, because she is as meek as a damn mouse and NO ONE CARES. Gretchen not only has the aesthetic required and the eye for functional color combination's (all without taking a Color Theory Class? See FIDM I did not need to suffer through an entire quarter of color wheels), but also the "I'll stomp a bitch" disposition that will survive amongst the most malevolent of critics. Call me biased (she is a friend of mine, hey girl heeey), but all the daggers thrown in her direction and the "Get Gretchen Jones off Project Runway" Facebook page (seriously, get a damn life, a job, a hobby, something!), is an undeniable sign of haters being haters, and the minute people stop hating is the same minute you should hang up your hat and move on.

The 5 Most Dreadfully Dressed Dames of 2010- Eww

In true Eww's n Ahh's fashion, I felt the undying obligation to air out the (hands down) most poorly dressed female celebrities of 2010. This has truly been the year of the strange; freak flags have been in full sail (I single handily blame Lady Gaga A.K.A. the most profound branding creation since the Paris Hilton era). Maybe it's because we are about to enter into a new decade (god help us if this type of "fashion" is the future) and there is some sort of retrograde screwing with our decision making abilities, or, the economy has ungratefully forced stylists to be categorized as an unnecessary expense. Regardless of what I may come up with as an excuse for these shameless millionaires, that fact still remains, they dress like SHIT.

5.

Keri Hilson

I've said it once, and I'll say it again, this chick has a serious multiple personality disorder. I don't even think she knows what decade she's in, let alone what is in style.

"Hi I'm Katruska, and I moonlight as a high class call girl who frequents the Swiss Alps"

 Hey Keri.... that whole "80's" thing went out... A WHILE ago.

From the waist up she's in her Sunday's Best. From the waist down, she's the scandalous chick at church who distracts all the teenage boys. 

4.

Ciara 

Oh Ciara, with a killer body like that, it is a damn shame that you can't clothe it properly. 

 Not a single piece of clothing in this outfit fit's correctly, it's just a big sloppy mess.

 Umm... She was Givenchy's Muse this year, but this screams Cher via 1978, not Haute Couture.

And then you have Dominatrix Ci-Ci. Is that a whip I see hiding in that fur?

This is her "I don't care today" ensemble, and honey it shows.  

3. 

Katy Perry

Every time I see Katy, my mind always goes to her Proactive commercial, NOT a good look. 

 

 Do you remember those tri-flavor sherbet cups you used to eat when you were a kid? She must have fond memories of those...

 Gross. If you have to pull your skirt down as you walk, IT'S TOO DAMN SHORT. And what the hell, this is at Coachella, she probably sent the acid poppers into a bad trip with all that shoulder armor.

Sigh. Why do some people think that all runway attire translates to ready-to-wear? Jeremy Scott (the designer) puts on overly theatrical shows, because they are SHOWS. 

2.

Nicki Minaj

I know what you're thinking, "that's just Nicki, she's weird like that." Well some might consider me weird, and I don't wear that crap. 

 How long did it take her to put on all those layers? Long enough for her to reconsider that's for damn sure.

 Those L.A.M.B. boots are actually really cute, but how the hell would you know that when the rest of her get up looks like it was washed in Pepto-Bismol. This outfit gives me, "heartburn, nausea, indigestion..."

I'm at a loss for words, I'll let my silence speak for itself. 

1.

Ke$ha

Congratulations Ke$ha! You've topped the 2010 Eww's n Ahh's worst dressed list. I believe that you owe this honor to your wardrobe inspirations: Courtney Love, Marilyn Manson, Steven Tyler, and all the homeless hookers of the world!

 She wants to be Lady Gaga so bad, it's kind of disheartening.

 She just looks greasy, take a shower before you hit the red carpet bi-atch.

Normal people start their day with coffee, Ke$ha starts her's with hallucinogenics.

Dockers - A.K.A. The Working Man's Uniform - Eww

This topic of choice was brought to my attention thanks to my overly observant significant other, who pointed out to me the god awful rear view that such trousers tend to reveal...

While the two of us were cocktailing (Yes cocktailing, I wish spell check would chill out with this misspelled BS) at a popular after work watering hole, my slightly inebriated romantic companion brought to my attention a poor gentleman standing at the bar who was readjusting his, ahem, britches. If I recall correctly, the conversation went something like, "Oh my god Shelly, look at this dude right here in the Dockers, that is NOT the business!," "Oh my god I don't want to look," "Just look, JUST LOOK, hahahahhaha," "Oh shit, WOW, wtf, why?" Three cosmo's later (Stereotypical right? They were on special for $5, don't judge me...), and here I am.

Dear wannabe wall "streeters" (Damnit spellcheck, get over yourself), the reason you're at the bar looking as desperate as a homeless labrador is not because of your slightly introverted personality or your prematurely bulging bank account, it's your Dockers homie.... Sorry. Side note: he didn't bear a wedding ring, just saying... Would a flat front chino absolutely kill you? Adding an extra poof around your midsection doesn't mask a growing beer belly, nor does a professional ensemble require that pleating be an added accessory. For those who don't care to bother themselves with fashion, it is still possible to look polished on Casual Friday's without looking as though you intended to be polished. Unintentional sharpness is by far the best kind.

I wish I could have obtained the actual visual that I had the pleasure of seeing, but that may have caused an awkward, not to mention, borderline creepy scene ("Excuse me sir, may I take a quick snapshot of you from the waist down?").  I do, however, have a few alternatives for you to take into consideration (Mind you these are just chino's I'm referring to, dress pants are a completely separate post; baby steps okay? Baby steps). Fun fact: the Dockers brand was created by Levi Strauss and Co. and has had annual sales of roughly $1 billion, which further supports my evidence that far too many men buy these. Being that Dockers retail for $50-65 , I have listed (what I consider) acceptable chino's that fall within that same price range. A.K.A. No excuses.

 

Dockers merchandisers clearly thought that having this man hold sunglasses would enhance the "cool" factor here... Yeah... NO.

 

 Obey, $68. Urbanoutfitters.com

 Banana Republic, $40. Bananarepublic.com

 A slightly slimmer version for those of you who already have this "chino thing" mastered. Topman, $60. Topman.com